Has this ever happened to you? You’re dressing for a date and when you pull on your favorite jeans, you can no longer button them. Or you’re running down the football field when you notice that your legs rub together in a way they never did before. Maybe when you look in the mirror it seems like your pores are taking over your face.

If you’ve ever felt out of step with your body, you’re not alone.

Growing Up and Out (or Not)

Most of us are prepared to deal with the obvious physical changes of growing up. Girls expect their breasts to grow and guys expect to become more muscular. But the body often goes through other changes before, during, and after puberty — and sometimes these changes can be very different from the ones we expect to happen. For example, both girls and guys may notice themselves growing in unfamiliar places, such as the butt or belly. Or they may grow taller and skinnier.

Some people get a temporary layer of fat to prepare the body for a growth spurt. Others fill out permanently. Some people eat healthy foods and work out but still gain weight. Others chow down on everything in sight and still stay skinny.

Eventually it all balances out and most people adjust to how their “new” body moves and works. But it can take some getting used to. What happens to people physically during puberty can influence how they feel about their bodies and themselves for a long time to come.

Take Nikki, for example. She was an accomplished dancer with her heart set on following her mother’s career in ballet. But at 13, Nikki grew several inches taller and developed the kind of figure most girls long for — unless they’re dancers. Nikki’s friends envied her curves, but Nikki felt heavy and awkward. Now 19, Nikki says it took her longer to get over the false perception of herself as a fat girl than it did to let go of her dreams of being a dancer.

Adjusting to a New Body

We become more aware of looks right around the time our bodies begin changing. This can make physical changes difficult to deal with emotionally.

Adjusting to a changing body is about more than just looks, though. Lots of teens base their self-image on how their bodies feel and perform. Until a year ago, Wes, 15, was a lean, fast sprinter who could always be relied on to win the race for his track team. Wes has ADHD, and some days it seemed like running was the only thing he could do well. So when he started developing a stockier, more muscular physique and his sprint times got longer, Wes’ confidence took a serious bruising.

Changes in our bodies’ appearance, performance — even such minor details as the way they smell — are all perfectly normal parts of growing up. So what can you do to help yourself adjust physically and emotionally? Here are some ideas.

Beware — don’t compare! It’s natural to look at our friends for comparison. But it’s not a good idea. Comparing ourselves with others is problematic because everyone develops differently and at different times. If you go through a growth spurt early, you may feel too tall. Yet your friend may be thinking that he or she is too small. It’s usually hardest for the people who develop first or last.

It’s also a bad idea to compare ourselves with celebrities and models. In reality, most people don’t look like the limited body types shown in the media. (Actually, the models often don’t look like that either: Many of those “perfect” bodies got that way through photo editing, not nature.) Ads sell fantasy, not reality.

Treat your body well. Making educated choices about food and exercise is part of developing a mind and life of your own. Healthy eating and exercise can also give you some control over how your body turns out. Plus, exercise is a mood booster. If your changing body has you feeling sad or confused, it may help to go for a walk, play with your dog, or throw a Frisbee with your friends.

About three quarters of all teens quit sports around the time their bodies develop. Often it’s because the changes in their bodies influence which sports they compete in. Although you can still do any activity if you really are interested in it, some people prefer to switch to another activity. Wes put his strength and running skills to use playing football. And Nikki was able to combine her great figure with her love of dance when she discovered belly dancing in college.

Sometimes people quit playing organized sports in high school because schoolwork becomes more demanding, or because they have a more active social life that fills their time. Now is definitely not the time to stop exercising completely, though. Use this time of change to explore how your body feels doing different activities. Taking yoga, martial arts classes, or other activities that involve focusing on how the body stretches and moves can help you become familiar with your body.

Befriend your bod. Feeling like you don’t know your body anymore? Just like a friendship that grows and evolves, keeping in touch with our bodies takes time. Like friends, our bodies can let us down at times. But with a little work and understanding, it’s possible to bounce back.

Just like we know our friends’ secrets, we know stuff about our own bodies that other people don’t. For example, you may think your stomach sticks out because you spend hours focusing on it in the mirror. But the truth is, other people won’t notice it like you do.

Walk tall — even if you’re not! What people do notice is how you project your feelings about yourself. If you think you’re too tall, it will be more noticeable if you slump over and try to look smaller. If you’re self-conscious about your pimples, hiding behind your hair may cover the zit on your cheek — but you’ll look awkward and uncomfortable.

As your body changes, it can help to work on good posture and walk with a sense of confidence. After doing this for a while, you’ll probably become more confident too.

There’s not much you can do about your height or development, but you can focus on the things that you really like about yourself. Maybe it’s your curly hair or the dimple you get when you smile. Maybe it’s that you are a really thoughtful person or you are good at making people laugh. Ultimately, when you think of the people in your life that you care about the most, what they look like probably has very little to do with how much you like them.

More Curves Ahead

Just as you get used to your new shape, it will probably change again. The later teens and early twenties are (yet again) a time when the body and mind take another step in maturing and changing. For both girls and guys, this means filling out a little more so that they look more like adults and less like teens.

This is another time when it’s important to summon the powers of exercise and healthy eating: You’ve probably heard of the “freshman 15,” when girls and guys go off to college and most are in charge of feeding themselves for the first time. Many people who are on their own for the first time start by eating anything they want — usually junk food and high-fat snacks. Of course, most of them gain weight because they spend more time sitting and studying and less time being active. If you’ve already started focusing on what you eat and how you exercise, this will be less likely to happen to you.

If our bodies had owners’ manuals, they’d tell us to keep them clean, provide them with fuel, and offer them some stimulating activity. But our bodies are human, too, and they do best when they’re loved.

Learning to accept and appreciate ourselves helps build resilience. People who are resilient are better able to deal with problems and bounce back from disappointment than people who are not. Resilient people usually make good decisions and choices. Accept and appreciate your body, no matter what it looks like right now, and — just like a good friend — it can do a lot for you in return!

Do you ever find yourself getting really irritable for almost no reason? Or suddenly feeling down without knowing why? Going from sadness to anger to joy in a matter of minutes can make many teens feel as though they’re losing their grip. But why is the feeling of being on an emotional roller coaster so common among teens?

Dealing with constant change and pressure is part of the answer. Maybe you’re starting a new school and not able to see old friends as much. Getting good grades or wanting to be better in sports or other activities can be a concern for many teens. It might feel as though there just isn’t enough time to do everything.

Being a teen means struggling with identity and self-image. Being accepted by friends feels extremely important. Teens also may notice, for the first time, a sense of distance from parents and family. You may feel you want to be on your own and make your own decisions, but it can also seem overwhelming and even a bit lonely at times. As fun and exciting as this time is, it also can be a time of confusion and conflict. It can take a while for teens — and their families — to feel comfortable with the transition between childhood and adulthood.

Another important cause for mood swings is biology. When puberty begins, the body starts producing sex hormones. These hormones — estrogen and progesterone in girls and testosterone in guys — cause physical changes in the body. But in some people, they also seem to cause emotional changes — the ups and downs that sometimes feel out of control.

Understanding that almost everyone goes through mood swings during their teen years might make them easier to handle.

When It’s More Than Just a Mood

Feeling irritable or short-tempered can be signs of depression. So can feelings of boredom or hopelessness.

Many people think of depression as feeling sad, but depression can also bring feelings of moodiness, impatience, anger, or even just not caring. When depression gets in the way of enjoying life or dealing with others, that’s a sign you need to do something about it, like talking to a counselor or therapist who can help you deal with it. Also, if you ever feel like hurting yourself, that’s more than just a bad mood and you need to tell someone.

Taking Control

Here are some things you can do that might make those bad moods a bit easier to handle:

• Recognize you’re not alone. Although not every teen experiences mood changes to the same degree, they are common.
• Catch your breath. Or count to 10. Or do something that lets you settle down for a few moments, especially if you’re feeling angry or irritable. Try to look at the situation from the point of view of a wise observer.
• Talk to people you trust. Friends can help each other by realizing that they’re not alone in their feelings. Talking to parents is important, too. Parents can share their own experiences dealing with bad moods. Plus, they’ll appreciate it if you try to explain how you feel instead of just slamming a door. Teachers and counselors are often good resources, and a doctor can help sort through questions about development. Keeping feelings inside can make them seem much worse.
• Exercise. Regular exercise produces more beta-endorphin, a hormone that controls stress and improves mood. Go for a run, play some tennis, ride your bike, or punch a punching bag.
• Get enough sleep. Though it can be hard to find enough time, getting adequate rest is very important. Being tired can lead to more sadness and irritability.
• Create. Get involved in some sort of project, like starting a journal or diary, building something out of wood, or starting an art or music piece. Writing can help you organize and express your thoughts and feelings and will make things more manageable. Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or punctuation; the important thing is just to get your thoughts on paper. Do the same thing with paint, sculpture, music, or other art forms. Put your feelings into your artwork.
• Cry. There’s nothing wrong with crying; in fact, it often makes a person feel better. However, if you find that you are sad, irritable, bored, or hopeless much of the time, or if you just can’t seem to shake the blues, you might be depressed and need help from a counselor or doctor. If you’re feeling stressed or angry a lot of the time, getting help could be very useful for you.
• Wait. Just as you can get into a bad mood for what seems like no reason at times, that mood can also pass. If your negative mood sticks around too long, though — or if it’s interfering with the way you deal with friends, parents, school, or activities — then you may want to talk to a school counselor, parent, or therapist about what you can do to feel better.

 Some young adults and even into adulthood, let things effect them from all areas of daily life- effecting their self-esteem.  “I’m never going to do well on this history test,” “My dad’s right, I’m just like him — I’ll never amount to much.” Anything, from mental tasks to physical imagery. “I bet the football coach won’t even let me try out when he sees how skinny I am.”

We all have a mental picture of who we are, how we look, what we’re good at, and what our weaknesses might be. We develop this picture over time, starting when we’re very young kids. The term self-image is used to refer to a person’s mental picture of himself or herself. A lot of our self-image is based on interactions we have with other people and our life experiences. This mental picture (our self-image) contributes to our self-esteem.

Self-esteem is all about how much we feel valued, loved, accepted, and thought well of by others — and how much we value, love, and accept ourselves. People with healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities, skills, and accomplishments. People with low self-esteem may feel as if no one will like them or accept them or that they can’t do well in anything.

We all experience problems with self-esteem at certain times in our lives — especially during our teens when we’re figuring out who we are and where we fit in the world. The good news is that, because everyone’s self-image changes over time, self-esteem is not fixed for life. So if you feel that your self-esteem isn’t all it could be, you can improve it.

Self-Esteem Problems

Before a person can overcome self-esteem problems and build healthy self-esteem, it helps to know what might cause those problems in the first place. Two things in particular — how others see or treat us and how we see ourselves — can have a big impact on our self-esteem.

Parents, teachers, and other authority figures influence the ideas we develop about ourselves — particularly when we are little kids. If parents spend more time criticizing than praising a child, it can be harder for a kid to develop good self-esteem. Because teens are still forming their own values and beliefs, it’s easy to build self-image around what a parent, coach, or other person says.

Obviously, self-esteem can be damaged when someone whose acceptance is important (like a parent, teacher, or close friend) constantly puts you down. But criticism doesn’t have to come from other people. Some teens also have an “inner critic,” a voice inside that seems to find fault with everything they do. And, some, people sometimes unintentionally model their inner voice after a critical parent or someone else whose opinion is important to them.

Over time, listening to a negative inner voice can harm a person’s self-esteem just as much as if the criticism were coming from another person. Some people get so used to their inner critic being there that they don’t even notice when they’re putting themselves down.

Unrealistic expectations can also affect a person’s self-esteem. People have an image of who they want to be (or who they think they should be). Everyone’s image of the ideal person is different. For example, some people admire athletic skills and others admire academic abilities. People who see themselves as having the qualities they admire — such as the ability to make friends easily — usually have high self-esteem.

People who don’t see themselves as having the qualities they admire may develop low self-esteem. Unfortunately, people who have low self-esteem often do have the qualities they admire. They just can’t see that they do because their self-image is trained that way.

Why Is Self-Esteem Important?

How we feel about ourselves can influence how we live our lives. People who feel that they are likable and lovable (in other words people with good self-esteem) have better relationships. They are more likely to ask for help and support from friends and family when they need it. People who believe they can accomplish goals and solve problems are more likely to do well in school. Having good self-esteem allows you to accept yourself and live life to the fullest.

Steps to Improving Self-Esteem

If you want to improve your self-esteem, here are some steps to start empowering yourself:

• Try to stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. If you’re used to focusing on your shortcomings, start thinking about positive aspects of yourself that outweigh them. When you catch yourself being too critical, counter it by saying something positive about yourself. Each day, write down three things about yourself that make you happy.
• Aim for accomplishments rather than perfection. Some people become paralyzed by perfection. Instead of holding yourself back with thoughts like, “I won’t audition for the play until I lose 10 pounds,” think about what you’re good at and what you enjoy, and go for it.
• View mistakes as learning opportunities. Accept that you will make mistakes because everyone does. Mistakes are part of learning. Remind yourself that a person’s talents are constantly developing, and everyone excels at different things — it’s what makes people interesting.
• Try new things. Experiment with different activities that will help you get in touch with your talents. Then take pride in new skills you develop.
• Recognize what you can change and what you can’t. If you realize that you’re unhappy with something about yourself that you can change, then start today. If it’s something you can’t change (like your height), then start to work toward loving yourself the way you are.
• Set goals. Think about what you’d like to accomplish, then make a plan for how to do it. Stick with your plan and keep track of your progress.
• Take pride in your opinions and ideas. Don’t be afraid to voice them.
• Make a contribution. Tutor a classmate who’s having trouble, help clean up your neighborhood, participate in a walk-a-thon for a good cause, or volunteer your time in some other way. Feeling like you’re making a difference and that your help is valued can do wonders to improve self-esteem.
• Exercise! You’ll relieve stress, and be healthier and happier.
• Have fun. Ever found yourself thinking stuff like “I’d have more friends if I were thinner”? Enjoy spending time with the people you care about and doing the things you love. Relax and have a good time — and avoid putting your life on hold.

It’s never too late to build healthy, positive self-esteem. In some cases where the emotional hurt is deep or long lasting, it can take the help of a mental health professional, like a counselor or therapist. These experts can act as a guide, helping people learn to love themselves and realize what’s unique and special about them.

Self-esteem plays a role in almost everything you do. People with high self-esteem do better in school and find it easier to make friends. They tend to have better relationships with peers and adults, feel happier, find it easier to deal with mistakes, disappointments, and failures, and are more likely to stick with something until they succeed. It takes some work, but it’s a skill you’ll have for life.

Let’s face it; life can get way more complex when you’re a teen. On top of all of the emotional and physical changes you go through, there are more choices and decisions to make and more stresses from school, sports, jobs, family, and even friends.

So who can you talk to about your physical and emotional concerns? When you don’t want to go to friends or parents, your doctor can be a great resource.

Why Do I Need to Talk With My Doctor?

When you were a little kid, your parents took care of things like scheduling your doctors’ appointments, getting your prescriptions, and making sure you took your medicine. If you had a pain or a worry, your parents were the ones to take care of it. But now that you’re getting older, you may want — or be expected — to take on more responsibility for your health. It’s all part of becoming an adult and taking charge.

As you get older, the issues you face can get more complicated and personal. Health issues that might have been simpler before now can include concerns about things such as sexual development, emotions, or weight problems. It’s important to find someone to talk to who is both knowledgeable and someone you can trust.

Many teens are comfortable talking with their parents about almost any topic, at any time. But let’s face it — not everyone is. Some teens — even though they have a fairly open relationship with their parents — just aren’t comfortable talking about certain topics with their mother or father. What are they supposed to do?

Of course, they can always ask a friend — or go to the Internet. Sometimes, those places can be a good start. But friends might not really know the answers you’re looking for — and not every website is accurate or up to date.

That’s where your doctor or nurse can help out.

Doctors and nurses are trained to help you with your health and emotional concerns. You can talk with them, they can ask you questions, and they can check out what worries you. That’s their job.

Even if you feel embarrassed at first about raising personal subjects (like physical development or sexual health), it’s helpful to know that doctors deal with those concerns — and all sorts of things — every day. And sometimes ignoring the risks of not talking to your doctor can outweigh the few moments of discomfort you may feel in raising sensitive health concerns.

Special Concerns for Teens

Maybe you’re developing later or earlier than your friends and want to know what’s going on. There might be times you feel more depressed or angry than you used to. New sexual feelings and behaviors can be confusing, too. Topics you never had to think about before, such as sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and pregnancy, may suddenly be on your radar.

How Do I Discuss Embarrassing Things?

It’s perfectly normal to feel nervous when talking with your doctor about things like sex, drugs, eating problems, weight concerns, depression, suicidal thoughts, and even body odor. You should be able to talk to your doctor about everything, but we all know that’s easier said than done. Being examined and questioned about your body can also be intimidating, especially when the doctor needs to examine you in places you have always considered private, such as your genitals or breasts.

But there are things you can bear in mind to make it easier:

• Your doctor’s seen it before. Most experienced doctors have cared for hundreds or even thousands of patients, so chances are they’ve heard, seen, and even smelled just about everything before. No matter how troubling something might be to you, it probably won’t surprise your doctor.
• Your doctor is there to help, not judge or punish. If you’ve been going to the same doctor all your life, you may wonder if the doctor will be disappointed in you when you want to talk about sex or personal things that may be bothering you. That’s what doctors do all the time, though.
  • Your doctor is interested in keeping you healthy, not judging you for something you have or haven’t done. For this reason, a person who is concerned about a sensitive topic, such as having an STD, shouldn’t avoid going to the doctor because he or she is ashamed or worried about what the doctor might think. Not having things like STDs checked might only make a condition worse and may even result in a permanent health problem, such as infertility. A doctor’s role is to listen respectfully, examine, educate, and treat people, not criticize them. If you think your doctor is judging or preaching to you, talk to your parents about finding someone with whom you’re more comfortable.
• It’s your job to talk openly about your symptoms and concerns. A doctor can’t help you unless you tell the whole story. Even if you’re uncomfortable, being open and honest will only benefit you. Most doctors realize that people can feel uncomfortable about raising sensitive issues, and they try to be good listeners.
  • If you feel you can’t put your concerns into words, try showing up for your appointment with a written list to give to the doctor. It can include your problems, symptoms, questions, and concerns. This approach can jump-start the communication process and help put you at ease. Many people find that once they’ve brought the subject up and gotten past those first nervous moments, they feel a lot more comfortable talking openly.

Do My Parents Have to Be Involved?

Lots of teens feel comfortable talking to their parents about all of their medical issues, but others prefer to keep certain aspects of their health private. Because parents usually need to stay involved in certain aspects of their child’s medical care until that person reaches 18, it can help to find a “middle ground” that allows you to meet your privacy concerns and your parents’ needs.

Here are some ideas on approaching your parents about taking charge of your medical care:

• Express your interest in taking an active role in your medical care. Start by talking with your parents about things you’d like to handle by yourself, like making appointments, calling your doctor with questions, and seeing the doctor alone for part of the time. Most doctors will allow a teen to go to an appointment alone if a parent calls and gives permission for treatment.
• Balance your needs with your parents’ needs. Parents are not only interested in ensuring you get the best medical care available; they may need to stay involved in your health care for other reasons, like insurance. Most states require that doctors have a parent’s permission before providing some types of medical tests and treatment (there are some things that you should be able to keep confidential from your folks if you want to, though — more on that later).
  • Some doctors suggest that both you and a parent meet with the doctor together for the first part of the appointment. Parents can often help by providing information on your (and your family’s) medical history. At that point, if you prefer, the doctor can ask your parent to leave so you can talk and be examined in private. If you have private questions or concerns that you want to discuss with your doctor without your parent being in the room, this is a good time to bring these things up. Sometimes you need to talk to a doctor ahead of time, not just after a problem has developed. For example, if you’re considering becoming sexually active, going on a special diet, or treating yourself with medication, you need to talk openly and honestly with medical experts you trust.  
  • Ask a parent to help you find a new doctor if you need one. It’s your right to have a doctor who makes you feel comfortable and treats you with respect. Of course the doctor you’ve had since you were a little kid knows your medical history better than anyone, but if you’re not comfortable talking with him or her for any reason, what do you do? Ask your parents about finding another doctor both you and they can trust. Sometimes it helps to tell your parents you’d like to find a doctor who has lots of experience treating teens.
• • Ideally it’s best to involve your parents in your health care because their advice and input can help you make the decision that’s best for you. Plus, if you’re still in your early teens, parents may feel more inclined to oversee your medical care than they might if you were older. But many people find it difficult to talk with their parents about certain medical or emotional concerns, even if they don’t mind talking about most of their medical care. That’s where confidentiality comes in.

Can I Keep My Visit Private?

It’s a good idea to talk to your parents first about these types of issues, and many people do. Your health is the most important thing. If talking to a parent or other responsible adult in your family isn’t possible, you still need to get good care for yourself. That’s where confidentiality comes in.

Confidential care means that your medical treatment stays between you and your doctor — you don’t have to get a parent’s permission. Confidentiality helps to ensure honesty and openness between a patient and a doctor. Most states ensure that teens can get confidential care for some sensitive medical matters, such as sexual health education and treatment, mental health issues like suicide and depression, and drug abuse. Sexual health education and treatment includes counseling, birth control, pregnancy care, and examinations and treatment for STDs.

So where can you get these services? Many family doctors will agree to treat their teen patients confidentially, so you may be able to approach you own family doctor and ask if he or she will do so. If you’re not sure whether your treatment will be confidential, ask beforehand: Some doctors will treat their teen patients confidentially only when they have a parent’s approval to do so. Most doctors agree to keep things confidential unless they feel their patient is either in danger or is a danger to others — in these cases, the doctor is obligated to inform the teen’s parents.

Some schools offer health clinics to students during school hours. A teen also can visit a health clinic like Planned Parenthood or a gynecologist (a doctor who specializes in reproductive health) at a public health clinic to receive confidential advice and treatment on matters involving sexual health. If you don’t want your parents to know and can’t use their insurance, these clinics usually offer cheaper services or make it easy for teens to pay. Most school clinics and public health clinics that treat teens are very careful to maintain confidentiality.

Many parents are happy to have their teens see a doctor if they need to. Discuss with your parents the idea that you can see a doctor privately when you need to. Your doctor’s office may need to call you with confidential test results. Let the doctor know the best way to reach you confidentially, such as a personal cell phone if you have one. Because the doctor’s bill will need to be paid, talk with your parents and the doctor about how that can happen and still keep the visit confidential.

The more you know your body, the more you can be in control of your own health. Finding a doctor you can respect and who respects you, someone you can be open with, puts you on a great path to taking charge of your health for the rest of your life.

It’s a natural part of life to have sexual feelings. As people pass from childhood, through adolescence, to adulthood, their sexual feelings develop and change.

Adolescence Is a Time of Change

During the teen years, sexual feelings are awakened in new ways because of the hormonal and physical changes of puberty. These changes involve both the body and the mind, and teens may wonder about new — and often intense— sexual feelings.

It takes time for many people to understand who they are and who they’re becoming. Part of that understanding includes a person’s sexual feelings and attractions.

The term sexual orientation refers to the gender (that is, male or female) to which a person is attracted. There are several types of sexual orientation that are commonly described:

• Heterosexual. People who are heterosexual are romantically and physically attracted to members of the opposite sex: Heterosexual males are attracted to females, and heterosexual females are attracted to males. Heterosexuals are sometimes called “straight.”
• Homosexual. People who are homosexual are romantically and physically attracted to people of the same sex: Females who are attracted to other females are lesbian; males who are attracted to other males are often known as gay. (The term gay is sometimes also used to describe homosexual individuals of either gender.)
• Bisexual. People who are bisexual are romantically and physically attracted to members of both sexes.

Teens — both guys and girls — often find themselves having sexual thoughts and attractions. For some, these feelings and thoughts can be intense — and even confusing or disturbing. That may be especially true for people who are having romantic or sexual thoughts about someone who is the same sex they are. “What does that mean,” they might think. “Am I gay?”

Thinking sexually about both the same sex and the opposite sex is quite common as people sort through their emerging sexual feelings. This type of imagining about people of the same or opposite sex doesn’t necessarily mean that a person fits into a particular type of sexual orientation.

Some teens may also experiment with sexual experiences, including those with members of the same sex, during the years they are exploring their own sexuality. These experiences, by themselves, do not necessarily mean that a person is gay or straight.

Do People Choose Their Sexual Orientation?

Most medical professionals, including organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Psychological Association, believe that sexual orientation involves a complex mixture of biology, psychology, and environmental factors. A person’s genes and inborn hormonal factors may play a role as well. These medical professionals believe that — in most cases — sexual orientation, whatever its causes, is not simply chosen.

Not everyone agrees. Some believe that individuals can choose who they are attracted to — and that people who are gay have chosen to be attracted to people of the same gender. No matter what someone’s sexual orientation is, in some cases it may be affected by the life experiences that person has had.

There are lots of opinions and stereotypes about sexual orientation, though, and some of these can be hurtful to people of all orientations. For example, having a more “feminine” appearance or interest does not mean that a guy is gay. And having a more “masculine” appearance doesn’t mean a girl is lesbian. As with most things, making assumptions just based on looks can lead to the wrong conclusion.

What’s It Like for Gay Teens?

For many people who are gay or lesbian, it can feel like everyone is expected to be straight. Because of this, some gay and lesbian teens may feel different from their friends when the heterosexual people around them start talking about romantic feelings, dating, and sex. They may feel like they have to pretend to feel things that they don’t in order to fit. They might feel they need to deny who they are or that they have to hide an important part of themselves.

These feelings, plus fears of prejudice, can lead people who aren’t straight to keep their sexual orientation secret, even from friends and family who might be supportive.

Some gay or lesbian teens tell a few accepting, supportive friends and family members about their sexual orientation. This is often called coming out.

Many lesbian, gay, and bisexual teens who come out to their friends and families are fully accepted by them and their communities. They feel comfortable about being attracted to someone of the same gender and don’t feel anxious about it.

But not everyone has the same feelings or good support systems. People who feel they need to hide who they are or who fear rejection, discrimination, or violence can be at greater risk for emotional problems like anxiety and depression.

Some gay teens without support systems can be at higher risk than heterosexual teens for dropping out of school, living on the streets, using alcohol and drugs, and even in some cases for attempting to harm themselves.

These difficulties are thought to happen more frequently not directly because they are gay, but because gay and lesbian people are more likely to be misunderstood, socially isolated, or mistreated because of their sexual orientation.

This doesn’t happen to all gay teens, of course. Many gay and lesbian teens and their families have no more difficulties during the teen years than anyone else.

The Importance of Talking

No matter what someone’s sexual orientation is, learning about sexuality and relationships can be difficult. It can help to talk to someone about the confusing feelings that go with growing up, perhaps a parent or other family member, a close friend or sibling, or a school counselor. It’s not always easy to find somebody to talk to, but many people find that confiding in someone they trust and feel close to, even if they’re not completely sure how that person will react, turns out to be a positive experience.

In many communities, resources such as youth groups composed of teens who are facing similar issues can provide opportunities for people to talk to others who understand. Psychologists, psychiatrists, family doctors, and trained counselors can help teens cope — confidentially and privately — with the difficult feelings that go with their developing sexuality. These experts can also help teens to find ways to deal with any peer pressure, harassment, and bullying they may face.

Whether gay, straight, bisexual, or just not sure, almost all teens have questions about physically maturing and about sexual health (for example, avoiding STD’s). It’s important to find a doctor or health professional to discuss these issues with — someone who can provide reliable health advice.

Although sexual feelings and behavior are important parts of human development, there are still many unanswered questions about human sexuality. Researchers are constantly learning new information, and undoubtedly people will know more about sexual orientation in the coming years.

 In January 2007, we ran a survey asking our visitors how well they do when it comes to setting and meeting their goals. What a better time to this than when everyone’s making (or breaking!) those New Year’s resolutions?!

Gabby, 15, made a resolution to change “everything” this year, asking “Why live if you don’t move forward?”

Like Gabby, lots of people set goals and make changes. It’s all part of the process of self-discovery. But deciding on a goal or something that needs changing is the easy part. The hard part is all the work that goes into getting there.

We heard voices from 900 people ages 13-18. More than three quarters (77%) made New Year’s resolutions on everything from losing weight to learning how to play the guitar. And, almost all of them say they are doing pretty good with sticking to their goals.

More of what the survey revealed:

Most Common Goals:

 We gave our survey-takers examples of some common types of resolutions and asked if their resolutions fit into these categories. Here’s how the goals we asked about raked in terms of popularity:

  1. Lose weight

  2. Do something for personal development (learning a new skill, or hobby)

  3. Do better in school.

  4. Get more exercise

  5. Kick a bad habit (smoking, gossiping or being more punctional)

Making It Happen…

 To reach a goal, it helps to have a plan with specific steps. It also helps to tell your goal to someone you trust – supporive friends and family come in very handy for those time when your willpower’s doing a couch potato act.  But do people really make plans and ask for support? or do they just wing it? Our survey showed a bit of both: 55% of the survey-takers said they made specific plans, but 45% said they just let things happen. And while 49% shared their resolution with someone else, 51% perferred to keep it private.

The people who love you can help you stick with a goal or make a change. But what about th people who just pretend to care? Some said that ‘friends can also be bad influences,’ and they decided that if they were going to make some of their new changes and make a difference in their lives then they had to change their circle of friends, and people they kept closely around them.

…or Not

 It can be tough to stick with a goal for a long time, especially when you don’t have the right support. Of the people in our survey who gave up on their resolutions, most (39%) said it was because they couldn’t get motivated to do it. The fact that so many people give up on resolutions is one reasone why 23% of our survey-takers said they don’t make any resolutions at all.

Staying Positive

 Although some people do give up, our survey shows that most of you are definitely not quitters. An impressive 92% of our survey-takers are still on target to meet thier goals. What’s even more impressive is that mor than a third of them say they slipped up but then got back on track again. It’s hard to do. When people stray from their goals, it’s tempting to give up altogether. But slip-ups ar actually part of the learning process!

• Half of respondents said they were “very confident” that they’d reach their goals.
• 43% reported that they were “somewhat confident” they’d reach thier goals.
• And only 7% of the survey-takers said that didnt think they’d make it.

People started believing in me so I started believing in me. -Juneil, 16.

Staying Motivated!

 Recognizing and enjoying small successes is one motivator for people who are trying to stick with a resolution. Taking inspiration from someone or something else also helps many of you. Lots of readers talked about looking up to someone they knew who had accomplished a goal. One reader once said, that she wanted be more managable of her wight due to diabetes, and she would think of her aunt, who too was struggling, and together they made a pac to help eachother out.

When Times Are Tough

 A number of you made resloutions to help overcome serious difficulties. Some of the people who took our survey said they had been hospitalized for depression, eating disorders, or even attempted suicide. One young teen told us that she is motivated to work through her problems because, “I dont want to end up back in the hospital, and watching it hurt my family and friends.”

 If things are really tough, making a resolution to change often isnt enough. It can be hard to stay motivated when you’re doing it alone. People with serious problems need help from friends and family.

Focus on Accomplishments, Not Failures

 If you’ve made a resolution that’s a struggle to keep, it can help to focus on the little things that you have already achieved, rather than thinking about what you’ve done wrong or when you’ve slipped up.

Tell yourself how much better you feel. Like Stacy, 14, who said, “I think of how much healthier I’m eating and how eating an apple instead of a peice of cake makes you feel better.” or “When I cut down ‘media’ time and go for a run, the gym, or play outside, I feel refreshed, and healthier!”

 Give yourself rewards! If you scored a B+ on a math test that you wouldve normally failed, because of a little more effort with asking for tutoring, or a little extra studing, treat yourself to something fun! Go to the movies one weekend afternoon, or go to the library and spend some time with friends enjoying some media gossip, and having a fun gathering instead of a eductional gathering.

 Most of all, take it easy on yourself. Just take it one day at a time, then a week, then a month- then it will be a year, and you will look back all the progession youve made, and relize that yes you can make a change!

As kids our parents tell us how to act, what to eat, even when to do our homework. But as we start taking charge of our own lives, many of us decide to make changes — stuff like eating right, being more environmentally conscious, or doing better in a sport.

If you’re like most people, the easy part is knowing what change you want to make. The challenge is figuring out how to get there and sticking with it.

Some helpful hints in crating a positive energy and coming closer to your goals can be:

1. Make a journal, write down what your achiving, why you want to make this a goal, and some ways that YOU can help yourself. When your finished, show a parent or your best friend, getting others involved you will create a support team, influences from outside will guide you along and keep you interested, and its someone you can go to talk about challenges that you may come to face, or accomplishments you have made.

2. Make it beautiful! Create a collage, something bright showing what you love, the goals you want, (example: if you want to be a hair stylist you can include things like different hair styles, your fave styling products, or if your wanting to train harder or better to be on the high school football team, create pictures of your fave college players, colors, teams. And hang this where you will see it everyday, and put yourself in that motivated mode.

3. Do it for YOURSELF!  Your goals should be for you, about you, and benefit you! Doing something for someone else, like your boyfriend wants you change something for HIM, that’s not who you are. Someone who shares any relationship for you, should be happy with the person you are! These goals and achievements are for your personal benefit, bettering yourself, because you want to. It’s the greatest feeling, especially when you’ve finished your goal,  and you look back at the learning process and relize that it wasn’t that hard, and your ready for another one. Its building your personality complex, becoming a young adult.

Specific, realistic goals work best. When it comes to making a change, the people who succeed are those who set realistic, specific goals. “I’m going to recycle all my plastic bottles, soda cans, and magazines” is a much more doable goal than “I’m going to do more for the environment.” And that makes it easier to stick with.

It takes time for a change to become an established habit. It will probably take a couple of months before any changes — like getting up half an hour early to exercise — become a routine part of your life. That’s because your brain needs time to get used to the idea that this new thing you’re doing is part of your regular routine.

Roadblocks don’t mean failure. Slip-ups are actually part of the learning process as you retrain your brain into a new way of thinking. It may take a few tries to reach a goal. But that’s OK — it’s normal to mess up or give up a few times when trying to make a change. So remember that everyone slips up and don’t beat yourself up about it. Just remind yourself to get back on track.

Love your life, be happy with the choices you make, be positive and stay well! Your youth only comes once, and is gone before you know it. Take the time that you have, make your goals and go for them, you should have a wonderful support team, and you will make progess, and you will be on the way to a better you, a self-motivated you, someone YOU can count on, and others can count on too!